Lost

Our family has been dealt a great blow 2 weeks ago. I got the phone call from my mother-in-law. That one phone call stopped our world from revolving. Life as we have known it has ceased. My father-in-law has passed.

I had to watch my family's collective hearts smash to pieces. It wrenched my soul. The questions that can only be founded out of grief came pouring like a burst dam from their wounded hearts were left unanswered. "Why?" "How?" And the most terrifying one, "What now?"

When that evening was drawing close, my broken husband had to tell our children the news. Georgie sobbed. Hannah stared. That was the worst feeling. Watching your child's fragile heart deflate like it was punctured with thorns of sadness. My heart bled as never before.

I sat helplessly to the people I longed to help. I wanted to picked up their heart-pieces & mend them together, but the shards were too small & sharp to handle. I began to do the only thing I could. Pray.

God knows what it is like to have great loss. He had to watch His only son be tortured & murdered. He alone had the power to stop the madness, but refrained with love. A love for hearts broken with sin. Hearts that could only be repaired by a loving master-healer. So, I asked Him to reconstruct the fallen bits as only He can. It will take Him longer to fix what it broken because He knows when & how to gingerly fit the broken together. You can't rush a love that binds & heals damaged hearts.

As the days waned on slowly,  I waited. I waited for God to use his gentle hands to work. I waited for my name to be called out if only for a tissue. I waited for my heart to make sense of what was now past. We had to leave behind the patriarch & walked away. It stung & still does.

The next week brought the celebration of the greatest birth. How do we celebrate a new life when the  when we just put a life to rest? How do you go to gatherings where everyone is filled with joy & gladness when your wound is fresh & bleeding? You remember in the chaos there is hope. The hope that came with that small unnoticeable babe so many centuries ago. The hope that life will be renewed someday.

Although our lives & hearts will never be the same, we can keep taking on step at a time. Each step taking us farther from disparity & closer to what lies ahead of us. We can still looked over our shoulders & smile at the ones we had to leave behind. We can never go back to them, but we can look forward to seeing them again with our Heavenly Father. There is but one way to get there, through believing in that little baby who grew up to be the Savior of this world.

9that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; 10for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation. 11For the Scripture says, “WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED.” 12For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call on Him; 13for “WHOEVER WILL CALL ON THE NAME OF THE LORD WILL BE SAVED.” - Romans 10:9-14


With this hope, we can look towards to moment when we will be healed of our brokenness.

Bittersweet

I love bittersweet. It's not very pretty during the summer when all the other flowers are in their blooming splendor. It sits back & waits for it's turn. Biding time unassumingly.

Then, when all the plants are quietly getting ready for their long-winter's nap, the bittersweet explodes with bright contrasting colors. Just when the world is putting on it's winter dress, the bittersweet is putting on it's party gown.

Bittersweet reminds me of my daughter, Hannah. She is still in the green leaf-stage at 13. I look at her & see what is to come. I can see the vibrant colors. But that's the thing. I'm hoping to see what should already be visible. I'm still waiting. How long will I have to wait to see the buds? I don't know.

Hannah has made great strides in gaining good speech. I would pray that God would let her talk to me, again. I have learned & trust that God is good & answers prayers. She now can have simple conversations & express her wants & needs. Like going to the store to buy some toy because she has money in her pocketbook. I think Hannah will always want to buy toys. This is bittersweet to me.

She looks like a girl in her fledgling teen years. She is good at math, when she's in the mood. Hannah sometimes smacks her brother when he is being a younger brother. She loves & shows compassion.

Hannah is my bittersweet. When all the other girls her age at the school dance, she is at home drawing her pictures. It's not that we forbid her to go. I don't know how much she would understand about that social confusion. That's all a junior high dance is anyway. She's happy to draw instead. She tells me that she doesn't want to kiss, let alone marry a boy. Hannah describes that as, "Disgusting!" I rest easy with that thought, for now.

Every so often I get to see a peek of dazzling color in her. She doesn't bloom all at once. One flower at a time. I savor it each time I see a glimpse of it happening. It happens in her time & God's.

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace. - Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

God doesn't give me all good nor does He give me all bad with Hannah. He gives what I need, good & bad. Sometimes separate. Sometimes at the same time. I can rest assured that He is with me ALL the time.  

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.- Deuteronomy 3:16

So I will wait. I will wait & watch with eager eyes. Someday my Bittersweet will bloom, spectacularly.

The Chaos of Life

I have learned that life can get in the way of, well, life. Intentions get shoved to the wayside. Plans end up in a heap of crumbled papers in the garbage can. Chaos claims the crown.

On the other side of chaos reigns absolute organization. Smooth sailing right into the sunset. The only problem with being Captain Organize & sailing on the USS Organized Sloop is staring into the bright horizon & becoming blinded by neatly ordered shelves & stacks.

Organization is great, if it doesn't interfere with life. I want my life to be arranged, labeled, color-coded & straightened. My life is rarely in complete order. Just when I think that I have a meal planned out, the situation changes. One phone call. Boom. Done. The chicken that was thawing for supper. Not tonight.

But isn't this what life is about? Change. Taming the chaos. Chaos is rarely kept in order. Take this case as a proven point: Chaos is everywhere. There is nothing but chaos, except for God. He is the controller of it. He commands it into order. Earth takes shape. Light & darkness. Sun, moon & stars. Dry land. Waters in their place. Animals in their respected species & places. Last, humans.

"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day." - Genesis 1:31

Very Good. When was the last time you looked at something & said, "That's very good,"? Dang near perfect. Until chaos crept in. That sneaky snake brought chaos in the organization that God made.

It kinda, on a very insignificant scale, reminds me of when I clean a room. It looks great. I walk away to take a break. I've deserved it, right? The children sneak in & undo all that I worked hard to achieve. I sometimes yell at the kids. I sometimes go to my dark room to sulk. I sometimes call a friend to complain. But what did God do about the mess that the snake & humans made?

He passed judgment on the offending parties according to the offense. After that He made a plan. He didn't pout.

What can I learn from this event? I can't command the chaos in my life. I t is just a part of it. The only thing that I can do is make a plan to recover from the windfall. There is love & hope around the corner of dawn waiting for me.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life." - Psalm 143:8

That's where I want to be. In the rising light. Every morning. I need to be in the light with my family. To teach them that God's love is unfailing. 

The Death of a Chicken

Ginger Chicken

This is the tale that happened in February of a little girl & her chicken.

Our Ginger chicken was sick for a while. I isolated her from the other girls. I gave her 2 full courses of antibiotics. She seemed to get better, only to have a relapse a couple days later after the second round of medicine.

I checked the girls before bed that night to see them all tucked in. Ginger gave me her "I'm-sleeping-&-your-flashlight-is-bothering-me" squawk. Good.

Her death was inevitable. The fellow at the farm bureau said it would happen.

And so it did. I went down in the morning to wake up my not-so-early-rising chickens. I waked into the greenhouse to peek at Ginger. She looked so peaceful. Her head was gently resting on her back, as how most birds sleep. She didn't move, at all, when I uncovered her box. That was it. I would have just covered the box back up & waited for Hubby to come & help me, but Girly was right beside me. She asked the lifeless chicken to wake-up, then pleaded & finally tried to "help" her to get up.

I tried to explain that, "Honey, Gingy is dead. She fell asleep & didn't wake up." I could see the confusion on my baby's face.  "Come on, Gingy, time to get up! Gingy, Get up!" over & over. I tried different ways of telling her that Ginger wasn't going to wake up, she was gone.

This was our first dealings with death that we had to try & explain to Girly. We had goldfish that died & got flushed. We never had to divulge their where-abouts of those fish because Nemo proved to Girly that, "All drains lead to the ocean." Nemo was just fine once he was reunited with Marlin, so why wouldn't all of our fish?

My grandparents & other members of our family have died since Girly has been born, but we have never taken her to any of the funerals. We just weren't quite sure what she would do to see someone she knew & loved lying motionless. Would she try to rouse them from their eternal slumber? Would she think that she could fall asleep & not wake back up? Would she have nightmares about others not getting out of their beds anymore?

We finally settled on telling her that, "Gingy is in chicken heaven." Girly would ask repeatedly throughout the day for the next 2 weeks, "Where is my Gingy?!" That was the answer we continued to give her. She would run down to the greenhouse & coop hoping that we were just playing tricks & hiding the chicken from her. She honestly did not know what happened to the chicken. Died is/was not in her vocabulary.

I was at a loss for my daughter. I couldn't ease her pain or comfort her. I felt useless to her as a mother. I could only try to repeat that Gingy was in chicken heaven. Those were 2 very wretched weeks. I'll end it with that, you don't want to hear the terrible details.

Boyo's Easter watercolor painting.

Sometimes when loved ones die, we ask God, "Why?" Sometimes we ask Him, "Where are they?" because we honestly don't know if they are in heaven with him, or in Hell.

"For you yourselves are fully aware that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night." - 1 Thessalonians 5:2

We don't when God will tell us to depart from this Earth. All we can do is prepare our souls by asking to be forgiven of all our sins & that Jesus would be our Lord & Savior.

"Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." - Romans 10:9

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." - 1 John 1:9

We can tell our friends, families & even strangers about God's love for them so that we don't have to ask, "Where are they?" We should be bold enough to tell others of our assurances of our heavenly home after we depart from this home that way they don't have to wonder where we are. They will know that if they have Jesus' salvation that they will see us again & that it will be forever this time, whether they like it or not!

I ended up getting some chicks this spring. Girly named 1 Ginger.

 

 

The new Ginger.

Everything & Nothing

Things here have been a bit of a blur since school started. What could we possibly be doing that I haven't written in 2 months? Everything & Nothing. That's what I tell my dad when he calls & wants to know what we've been doing & haven't called since last week.

I'll give you the run down....

Hubby was off of work for a few days in October due to a minor surgery. I had to play nurse in addition to my other jobs around the house. Boyo & Girly broke Boyo's toe, & a cast was put on his foot. Hubby & I have been scraping & painting the porch & boxing. School has been taking a good chunk of the day since we're done reviewing last year's facts & learning new material. We've been volunteering at the local clothes bank every third Friday for a couple of hours. Add to that library trips, grocery trips, CSA pick-ups & lunches with Hubby when we are in town. Boyo is in the local kids theater group & has practices in the evening. I enjoy going to Zumba once a week family & friends at church. Hubby has been trying to get in as much hunting as possible. We have been trying to get as much firewood chopped & stacked before it gets covered in snow. I won't bore you with all of the regular chores & jobs that need done around the house.

Like I said, Everything & Nothing.


Tomorrow morning, Lord willing, I will be sitting in a hunting stand probably shivering. I will quite possibly stand there in the dark for a few hours with nothing to see. I can only think & imagine what is going on around me. I hate that part of hunting.

What I imagine is lurking in the woods. (80's childhood)

  

The part that I love about hunting is not shooting a deer. That would just be a bonus. I love when everything is quiet & the sun just starts to show its first light. By the way, did you know that it takes light 8 minutes to reach Earth from the Sun? That time of emergence is welcomed. You can finally see all that is around you. There is no more guessing what is lurking in the dark seeking to destroy you. Okay, I have seen too many movies where creatures are waiting to attack people in the woods. Everything is there; trees, bushes & critters, but you can't see any of it.

Dawn breaking with fog on the mountain across from us.

It is with that picture of the first light of the day creeping through the darkness that I have come to realize some of God's truths. 1. Each new day brings a renewed opportunity to start fresh. Mistakes can be forgotten in the dark & fresh chances are given to each one of us with the dawn. 2. God is Light. This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. - (1 John 1:5) God chases the darkness out of our lives, if we ask & let Him. The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? - (Psalm 27:1a) Secrets & sins that are hidden in the dark crevasses of you heart will be revealed if you let God show those to you. 3. God will show you what is hidden in the dark that you may not be able to see without His Spirit. In the dark woods, you cannot see what is mixed in with the trees. As the light sneaks over the horizon, you begin to make out shapes. You still can't be sure of what you eyes are reporting to your brain. "Is it a bush, raccoon, bear or masked-lunatic?" The light does not come all at once. It's dark......now it's light!!! Nope. Each minute reveals to you a new level of brightness. A new degree of illumination is brought forth. This might be something that you may or may not be aware of. Something that God shows you little be little. He does this for me all the time. He shows me a "priority" that I have & how it's just not that important by taking it away a piece at a time.
If you're not a hunter & won't be sitting in the woods freezing tomorrow morning, maybe wake up before dawn. Take time to watch the light overtake the dark. Spend time with God in prayer during those early minutes. Ask Him to show you the things that might be hidden in the dark.

This is what I'll be thinking of when I am freezing in the stand.

Swimming Lessons

This is my dad trying to help Boyo swim when we went on vacation.

My life has slowed down & has fallen into what looks like a routine. School started last week, & I am getting the kids & myself into a groove. My beautiful Girly wasn't happy at all with our decision to keep her home this year. The first time she saw the buses dropping off the kids, she got angry at me. I tried to explain that things were different this year, & that she's not a little girl anymore. She dang near broke my heart with her big tears & unkind words. I was second guessing myself, & we hadn't even started school.

The Boyo & his friend do the summer reading program at Barnes & Noble each year. They get to pick out a book for completing an 8 book list. We go to B&N on the first day of school & throw in something else educational, such as a trip to a grocery store to do a scavenger hunt & some "Grocery Cart" math.

This year I took Girly even though she didn't participate in the reading program. I told her she could pick a book for her & I to read for school. I give her the pre-warning, "We are going to get a book, no toys."

As we are pulling into the parking lot, I give her the reminder, "Book, NO TOYS." She repeats me, thus acknowledging my order. We walk in the store. She beelines right over the children's section & picks up a toy.

"What did Mommy tell you?" She starts searching for a good answer. She apperantly couldn't find a good one, so she started to scream. "My Tasha!!!!" You see, it was a Backyardigan toy. For those of you who don't know them, visit Nick, Jr.

I commence the chase-down & lose. She's hiding it behind her back while sitting on a chair. We play the "Give-me-back-the toy" game. Why is it called that? Well, I take it, & she screams that phrase & grabs the toy. I say the phrase back to her while trying to pry the toy away from her steely vise-grip. This volley will happen about 4-5 times until I give in or carry her out screaming.

I chose to carry her out this time with screaming. Girly isn't a feather weight anymore. I get her outside while my friend & the boys continue to shop & pay. I start getting looks from curious spectators. It's hard not to look when a distraught little girl is screaming at the top of her lungs, "HELP ME!!!! Somebody help me. Let go of me. Get me out of here. Stop touching me." I would look if it wasn't me that was in the middle of the scene.

Right about that point I feel like I'm drowning. I can't catch my breath. My vision starts to get a little blurry. My heart starts to race. I get hot & sweaty. I feel completely out of control, & everybody is looking at me. Nobody is helping me. Every now & again someone will ask if everything is all right. I quickly respond, "She's just upset. She's autistic & mad. This happens when she doesn't get  her way. Thank you for asking." It's hard to sound calm & collective when you're drowning.

I've had people ask me if she was my daughter, was I kidnapping her, did I know that there is help for kids like her or did I need to make a phone call. (Sidenote: I can't really make a phone call at that time, I'm usually on the floor wrestling with Girly at that point. Nice offer, though.)

As I stood outside B&N that day, I thought about being in the middle of the ocean & drowning. There was no one to help me or to call out to. It felt like I was all alone bobbing in the waves flailing my arms & gasping for breath. I was tired.

That night I thought about what had happened how I could have done things different. I could have given her the toy & avoided the whole episode. But I would have gave into the pattern of getting a toy every time we go to a store, which we are trying to stop.

Then it hit me like a 20 foot wave......learning to swimming isn't easy. You swallow some water & it goes up your nose into your sinuses & burns. Your muscles get tired. I remembered watching my Boyo struggle so hard while trying to learn to swim this summer.

He's panicked, screaming for help & thrashing around the water. "Help me, Mom!!!" he screams. "You can do it. Look I'm not holding on anymore. You're doing it all by yourself." I'm reassuring his efforts. I grab on to him when I see that he's had enough & take him to the side. "Thanks, Mom, for saving my life. I was drowning." he says with his little chest heaving & gasping for air. "I love you, Boyo. I would never let you drown."

Why put him through so much struggle? He actually thought he was drowning? Did he think I was going to let him sink to the bottom & let his lungs fill with water? I was within arms-reach. I could have saved him at any second. I used to be a lifeguard. I know how to save drowning people.

After I though about that for a while, I felt God speak to my heart. It was if He was telling me, "Deb, you weren't drowning. I was there, within arms-reach to save you before you sank. I was there when you cried out to me to save you. You just needed to learn to swim. Like any good parent, I must let you struggle for awhile so you can learn to swim on your own. I love you & would never let you drown."

Even though I had a rough time with Girly that day, I am thankful that she's my daughter. I wouldn't trade her in for any "normal, typical" girl just to avoid those "swimming lessons" that God gives me. They are tough lessons, but they are worth it knowing He's ready to save me at any moment.