Lost

Our family has been dealt a great blow 2 weeks ago. I got the phone call from my mother-in-law. That one phone call stopped our world from revolving. Life as we have known it has ceased. My father-in-law has passed.

I had to watch my family's collective hearts smash to pieces. It wrenched my soul. The questions that can only be founded out of grief came pouring like a burst dam from their wounded hearts were left unanswered. "Why?" "How?" And the most terrifying one, "What now?"

When that evening was drawing close, my broken husband had to tell our children the news. Georgie sobbed. Hannah stared. That was the worst feeling. Watching your child's fragile heart deflate like it was punctured with thorns of sadness. My heart bled as never before.

I sat helplessly to the people I longed to help. I wanted to picked up their heart-pieces & mend them together, but the shards were too small & sharp to handle. I began to do the only thing I could. Pray.

God knows what it is like to have great loss. He had to watch His only son be tortured & murdered. He alone had the power to stop the madness, but refrained with love. A love for hearts broken with sin. Hearts that could only be repaired by a loving master-healer. So, I asked Him to reconstruct the fallen bits as only He can. It will take Him longer to fix what it broken because He knows when & how to gingerly fit the broken together. You can't rush a love that binds & heals damaged hearts.

As the days waned on slowly,  I waited. I waited for God to use his gentle hands to work. I waited for my name to be called out if only for a tissue. I waited for my heart to make sense of what was now past. We had to leave behind the patriarch & walked away. It stung & still does.

The next week brought the celebration of the greatest birth. How do we celebrate a new life when the  when we just put a life to rest? How do you go to gatherings where everyone is filled with joy & gladness when your wound is fresh & bleeding? You remember in the chaos there is hope. The hope that came with that small unnoticeable babe so many centuries ago. The hope that life will be renewed someday.

Although our lives & hearts will never be the same, we can keep taking on step at a time. Each step taking us farther from disparity & closer to what lies ahead of us. We can still looked over our shoulders & smile at the ones we had to leave behind. We can never go back to them, but we can look forward to seeing them again with our Heavenly Father. There is but one way to get there, through believing in that little baby who grew up to be the Savior of this world.

9that if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; 10for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation. 11For the Scripture says, “WHOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED.” 12For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, abounding in riches for all who call on Him; 13for “WHOEVER WILL CALL ON THE NAME OF THE LORD WILL BE SAVED.” - Romans 10:9-14


With this hope, we can look towards to moment when we will be healed of our brokenness.

Bittersweet

I love bittersweet. It's not very pretty during the summer when all the other flowers are in their blooming splendor. It sits back & waits for it's turn. Biding time unassumingly.

Then, when all the plants are quietly getting ready for their long-winter's nap, the bittersweet explodes with bright contrasting colors. Just when the world is putting on it's winter dress, the bittersweet is putting on it's party gown.

Bittersweet reminds me of my daughter, Hannah. She is still in the green leaf-stage at 13. I look at her & see what is to come. I can see the vibrant colors. But that's the thing. I'm hoping to see what should already be visible. I'm still waiting. How long will I have to wait to see the buds? I don't know.

Hannah has made great strides in gaining good speech. I would pray that God would let her talk to me, again. I have learned & trust that God is good & answers prayers. She now can have simple conversations & express her wants & needs. Like going to the store to buy some toy because she has money in her pocketbook. I think Hannah will always want to buy toys. This is bittersweet to me.

She looks like a girl in her fledgling teen years. She is good at math, when she's in the mood. Hannah sometimes smacks her brother when he is being a younger brother. She loves & shows compassion.

Hannah is my bittersweet. When all the other girls her age at the school dance, she is at home drawing her pictures. It's not that we forbid her to go. I don't know how much she would understand about that social confusion. That's all a junior high dance is anyway. She's happy to draw instead. She tells me that she doesn't want to kiss, let alone marry a boy. Hannah describes that as, "Disgusting!" I rest easy with that thought, for now.

Every so often I get to see a peek of dazzling color in her. She doesn't bloom all at once. One flower at a time. I savor it each time I see a glimpse of it happening. It happens in her time & God's.

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

2a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

6a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace. - Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

God doesn't give me all good nor does He give me all bad with Hannah. He gives what I need, good & bad. Sometimes separate. Sometimes at the same time. I can rest assured that He is with me ALL the time.  

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.- Deuteronomy 3:16

So I will wait. I will wait & watch with eager eyes. Someday my Bittersweet will bloom, spectacularly.

Oh my, pumpkin pie

My husband, George, is a great guy. He strives to be a better man everyday. He joined a men's group at our church that was focused on improving yourself & relationships with God, wife & children. It also gave weekly challenges for the men to conquer that pulled them out of their comfort zones.

One such challenge found my husband & kids in my kitchen. The challenge was to make a dessert for the Thanksgiving dinner.

Let's pause here for a moment. My husband doesn't cook, prepare, bake or grill. He likes to eat the food. There is a reason for this. George decided to surprise me when I was at work by making dinner. He decided that he would make spaghetti with a meat sauce. As he started to cook the pasta, he realized that pasta grows as it cooks. Seeing that he didn't have enough hamburger for the sauce because meat shrinks as it cooks, he decided to add more meat to the skillet. This in turn had him adding more pasta.

When I got home that evening, he was prouder than a peacock. He made enough spaghetti to last us all week! Lunch & supper.

After that episode, I promptly told to leave the cooking to me. It was my kitchen. I really don't like spaghetti.

Back to the dessert episode. Now he finds himself in a foreign land: the kitchen. This is with the children. I thought this was a momentous occasion. So I made a movie out of it.The only problem with the movie is that it is 22 minutes long. I spent the better half of yesterday trying to download it, set-up a YouTube account & wait. It would have take 25oo minutes to download into a YouTube video!!

I have decided to show you a clip of them making the pie crust. I don't do this in jest of my husband. (Although, I do snort at him a couple times.) I'm glad that he has a great sense of humor, as well. But to show you that he loves me enough to do something he's not fond of. Just like Christ has commanded the husbands to do. Even if it involves pie crusts!

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. - Ephesians 5:25

The Chaos of Life

I have learned that life can get in the way of, well, life. Intentions get shoved to the wayside. Plans end up in a heap of crumbled papers in the garbage can. Chaos claims the crown.

On the other side of chaos reigns absolute organization. Smooth sailing right into the sunset. The only problem with being Captain Organize & sailing on the USS Organized Sloop is staring into the bright horizon & becoming blinded by neatly ordered shelves & stacks.

Organization is great, if it doesn't interfere with life. I want my life to be arranged, labeled, color-coded & straightened. My life is rarely in complete order. Just when I think that I have a meal planned out, the situation changes. One phone call. Boom. Done. The chicken that was thawing for supper. Not tonight.

But isn't this what life is about? Change. Taming the chaos. Chaos is rarely kept in order. Take this case as a proven point: Chaos is everywhere. There is nothing but chaos, except for God. He is the controller of it. He commands it into order. Earth takes shape. Light & darkness. Sun, moon & stars. Dry land. Waters in their place. Animals in their respected species & places. Last, humans.

"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day." - Genesis 1:31

Very Good. When was the last time you looked at something & said, "That's very good,"? Dang near perfect. Until chaos crept in. That sneaky snake brought chaos in the organization that God made.

It kinda, on a very insignificant scale, reminds me of when I clean a room. It looks great. I walk away to take a break. I've deserved it, right? The children sneak in & undo all that I worked hard to achieve. I sometimes yell at the kids. I sometimes go to my dark room to sulk. I sometimes call a friend to complain. But what did God do about the mess that the snake & humans made?

He passed judgment on the offending parties according to the offense. After that He made a plan. He didn't pout.

What can I learn from this event? I can't command the chaos in my life. I t is just a part of it. The only thing that I can do is make a plan to recover from the windfall. There is love & hope around the corner of dawn waiting for me.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life." - Psalm 143:8

That's where I want to be. In the rising light. Every morning. I need to be in the light with my family. To teach them that God's love is unfailing. 

The Death of a Chicken

Ginger Chicken

This is the tale that happened in February of a little girl & her chicken.

Our Ginger chicken was sick for a while. I isolated her from the other girls. I gave her 2 full courses of antibiotics. She seemed to get better, only to have a relapse a couple days later after the second round of medicine.

I checked the girls before bed that night to see them all tucked in. Ginger gave me her "I'm-sleeping-&-your-flashlight-is-bothering-me" squawk. Good.

Her death was inevitable. The fellow at the farm bureau said it would happen.

And so it did. I went down in the morning to wake up my not-so-early-rising chickens. I waked into the greenhouse to peek at Ginger. She looked so peaceful. Her head was gently resting on her back, as how most birds sleep. She didn't move, at all, when I uncovered her box. That was it. I would have just covered the box back up & waited for Hubby to come & help me, but Girly was right beside me. She asked the lifeless chicken to wake-up, then pleaded & finally tried to "help" her to get up.

I tried to explain that, "Honey, Gingy is dead. She fell asleep & didn't wake up." I could see the confusion on my baby's face.  "Come on, Gingy, time to get up! Gingy, Get up!" over & over. I tried different ways of telling her that Ginger wasn't going to wake up, she was gone.

This was our first dealings with death that we had to try & explain to Girly. We had goldfish that died & got flushed. We never had to divulge their where-abouts of those fish because Nemo proved to Girly that, "All drains lead to the ocean." Nemo was just fine once he was reunited with Marlin, so why wouldn't all of our fish?

My grandparents & other members of our family have died since Girly has been born, but we have never taken her to any of the funerals. We just weren't quite sure what she would do to see someone she knew & loved lying motionless. Would she try to rouse them from their eternal slumber? Would she think that she could fall asleep & not wake back up? Would she have nightmares about others not getting out of their beds anymore?

We finally settled on telling her that, "Gingy is in chicken heaven." Girly would ask repeatedly throughout the day for the next 2 weeks, "Where is my Gingy?!" That was the answer we continued to give her. She would run down to the greenhouse & coop hoping that we were just playing tricks & hiding the chicken from her. She honestly did not know what happened to the chicken. Died is/was not in her vocabulary.

I was at a loss for my daughter. I couldn't ease her pain or comfort her. I felt useless to her as a mother. I could only try to repeat that Gingy was in chicken heaven. Those were 2 very wretched weeks. I'll end it with that, you don't want to hear the terrible details.

Boyo's Easter watercolor painting.

Sometimes when loved ones die, we ask God, "Why?" Sometimes we ask Him, "Where are they?" because we honestly don't know if they are in heaven with him, or in Hell.

"For you yourselves are fully aware that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night." - 1 Thessalonians 5:2

We don't when God will tell us to depart from this Earth. All we can do is prepare our souls by asking to be forgiven of all our sins & that Jesus would be our Lord & Savior.

"Because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." - Romans 10:9

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." - 1 John 1:9

We can tell our friends, families & even strangers about God's love for them so that we don't have to ask, "Where are they?" We should be bold enough to tell others of our assurances of our heavenly home after we depart from this home that way they don't have to wonder where we are. They will know that if they have Jesus' salvation that they will see us again & that it will be forever this time, whether they like it or not!

I ended up getting some chicks this spring. Girly named 1 Ginger.

 

 

The new Ginger.

Planting Seeds

January is coming to an end. February is lurking around waiting to be seen. What is there to look forward to?

Groundhog Day? That miserable little rodent gets yanked from a stump out into the cold to "tell" people whether or not he saw his shadow. Poor thing. Most of the time Phil says 6 more weeks of Winter. I bet if they would let him sleep in until March 2nd he would be in a better mood & say that Spring will be coming soon.

Valentine's Day? Ahhh, love....The day where people express their love & affection toward family & friends through gifts & cards.

Presidents Day? Does anyone know why we have this holiday other than for furniture sales & to get a long weekend off for school? Homeschoolers usually don't take off this holiday.

I look forward to the seed catalogs! I love to sit & thumb through all the beautiful pictures of the flowers, vegetables & fruits. Oh how I wish they would be scratch & sniff pictures. I daydream about having my garden bursting with such splendor. I'll sit with pen & paper writing my wish list. Do I want pole beans or bush beans this year? Should I try the new purple tomato variety? What color flowers are missing in the front beds? I wonder if Hubby will let me make the garden bigger this year just to accommodate my fancy? What if I tell him it's for planting french fries (potatoes)? Grapes on the hill.......

My garden last year.

There is just something about getting your hands dirty. The smell of potential when the dirt gets turned over for a new season of planting. Seeing the neat rows marked for seedlings. This kinda stuff will do wonders for your soul. God knew this before he created this planet. The first occupation given to man was to be a  farmer.

"Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed." - Gen. 2:8

Here at the Organized Chaos household, Spring planting starts with little paper pots, potting soil, seeds of all kinds & my 2 helpers. I like to share my passion of growing with my children. We like to make a mess filling the pots & put little promising seeds in them. This counts as school. This is also a life lesson. We talk about what the seeds will end up being when they're grow: tomatoes, peppers, squash, cucumbers or sauerkraut. Okay, first a cabbage then sauerkraut.

The only problem I have with planting seeds is waiting. Ugh. How I hate waiting. I want instant results of my effort. I want to see little green shouts the next day. Some seeds germinate quickly after 3 or 4 days. Some take 2 weeks! Then there are the seeds that fail to grow. This is frustrating. There are seeds which I have counted as loss & seen them come to life well after the others.

I try to plant "seeds" in my kids. Seeds of love, hope, gratefulness, joy, gentleness, self-discipline, diligence, respect & courage. Some seeds sprout instantly. I immediately get to see the fruits of my labor. Then there are the seeds that I may never see blossom. All I can do as a parent is plant the seeds, water them & nurture them. Only God can cause seeds to grow. The exclusive way to fertilize these seeds is to pray. Then I let God handle the planted hearts.

Do yourself a favor this winter: plant some seeds. Plant some seeds to harvest in the summer. Plant seeds in your children's hearts. If this season of life doesn't have you with children, plant seeds in your own heart. Ask the Master Gardener what kind of seeds you should be planting. Check out His catalog, the Bible. There are all kinds of seed varieties in there. Don't forget to fertilize you seeds with lots of prayer.

Putting Out Fires

A nice cozy fire in my wood stove.

My Hubby woke me this morning to to tell me he's still sick & ask if he should go to work. I told him I didn't know how he felt & it was up to him. He ended up guzzling some medicine & headed back to bed. I was awake. Once I'm up, that's it. I manged to go downstairs & heat up a half cup of tea from last night. I sat down to read my devotional this morning to find that God was talking to me this morning. The story should have just started out by saying, "Deb, read this, I wrote it just for you." The title was 'Getting Chaos Under Control'.

It almost sounds like an oxymoron to me. Chaos & control are complete opposites. Control is what I seek but cannot maintain.

It's like trying to hold water from a stream with your hands. At first it seems as if your hands are filling with the cool water. You feel how refreshing it is. You decide to take a drink from the captive water you now have in your cupped hands. But as you move your hands towards your mouth, the water is running through the small gaps between your fingers & palms. By the time your hands reach your mouth there is barely a sip of water left. This is how I feel about my life.

I try to get things under my control. I think I've managed to come up with a plan. Wake up. Read devotional. Check Facebook for any news about family of friends. Drink a cup of tea or coffee, depending on the night before. Get the kids breakfast. Exercise. Shower while they start their school work. Eat. Get some chores started. Do School. That's what I plan before lunch. Somewhere between waking up & reading the devotional the plan gets blown. The rest of the day finds itself being drug down a spiral staircase, thumping & bumping down each step.

I live my life from one disruption to the next. It's as if I'm constantly running around with a fire extinguisher putting out little wildfires here & there. Some fires are small enough to just tamp out with your shoe.

When a big blaze erupts, I call in the bucket brigade. It's the moments when your getting guests & they'll be there in an hour & the house is trashed. "Hubby & kids, I need you to help clean & put stuff away! Move, move, move!!!" You start shouting orders & directions. It's as if watching an old movie with the men & women lined up passing buckets down the line to the fire. Only to see the last person throw what they hope is a bucket full of water & ends up being only a few drops.

The moral of my story is this: I am not in control. Big surprise! God is control. He orders everything.

"When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him? You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings and crowned him with glory and honor." - Ps. 8:3-5

What are stars? Giant balls of burning gases. Or as Jerry Lee Lewis sang, great balls of fire. If God controls where each star is placed in the heavens, is He in control of the little fires in my life? Absolutely. I'm sure that God knows of my desire to be in control of my life plans & gives me fires to put out to show me that it's His plans are better.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." - Prov. 19:21

"In his heart a man plans his course, But the Lord determines his steps." - Prov. 16:9

God is not out to torment me by popping up fires in my path. He is helping me with my disillusion of control. I have it backwards most of the time. I make my plans then tell God what I'm going to do. I need to ask Him first what I can do to serve Him.

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." - Prov. 16:3

I need to trust that God's plans are so much better than what I could ever compose.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord,'". - Jer. 29:11-14a

God also gives me fires so that I stop & ask Him for water. He is the keeper of the water & the flames. Did you know that God designed certain pine trees to not drop seeds unless the cones are superheated by a fire? A new Jack Pine tree cannot be started without a forest fire. Fires are also started on purpose to get rid of undesired plants so that new fresh plants can grow? It's called controlled burning. Sounds like what God does in ours lives.

Hubby staying home today was not part of my plans. Apparently God knows that I need to give Hubby some extra love & attention. Laundry can wait until tomorrow.

Everything & Nothing

Things here have been a bit of a blur since school started. What could we possibly be doing that I haven't written in 2 months? Everything & Nothing. That's what I tell my dad when he calls & wants to know what we've been doing & haven't called since last week.

I'll give you the run down....

Hubby was off of work for a few days in October due to a minor surgery. I had to play nurse in addition to my other jobs around the house. Boyo & Girly broke Boyo's toe, & a cast was put on his foot. Hubby & I have been scraping & painting the porch & boxing. School has been taking a good chunk of the day since we're done reviewing last year's facts & learning new material. We've been volunteering at the local clothes bank every third Friday for a couple of hours. Add to that library trips, grocery trips, CSA pick-ups & lunches with Hubby when we are in town. Boyo is in the local kids theater group & has practices in the evening. I enjoy going to Zumba once a week family & friends at church. Hubby has been trying to get in as much hunting as possible. We have been trying to get as much firewood chopped & stacked before it gets covered in snow. I won't bore you with all of the regular chores & jobs that need done around the house.

Like I said, Everything & Nothing.


Tomorrow morning, Lord willing, I will be sitting in a hunting stand probably shivering. I will quite possibly stand there in the dark for a few hours with nothing to see. I can only think & imagine what is going on around me. I hate that part of hunting.

What I imagine is lurking in the woods. (80's childhood)

  

The part that I love about hunting is not shooting a deer. That would just be a bonus. I love when everything is quiet & the sun just starts to show its first light. By the way, did you know that it takes light 8 minutes to reach Earth from the Sun? That time of emergence is welcomed. You can finally see all that is around you. There is no more guessing what is lurking in the dark seeking to destroy you. Okay, I have seen too many movies where creatures are waiting to attack people in the woods. Everything is there; trees, bushes & critters, but you can't see any of it.

Dawn breaking with fog on the mountain across from us.

It is with that picture of the first light of the day creeping through the darkness that I have come to realize some of God's truths. 1. Each new day brings a renewed opportunity to start fresh. Mistakes can be forgotten in the dark & fresh chances are given to each one of us with the dawn. 2. God is Light. This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. - (1 John 1:5) God chases the darkness out of our lives, if we ask & let Him. The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? - (Psalm 27:1a) Secrets & sins that are hidden in the dark crevasses of you heart will be revealed if you let God show those to you. 3. God will show you what is hidden in the dark that you may not be able to see without His Spirit. In the dark woods, you cannot see what is mixed in with the trees. As the light sneaks over the horizon, you begin to make out shapes. You still can't be sure of what you eyes are reporting to your brain. "Is it a bush, raccoon, bear or masked-lunatic?" The light does not come all at once. It's dark......now it's light!!! Nope. Each minute reveals to you a new level of brightness. A new degree of illumination is brought forth. This might be something that you may or may not be aware of. Something that God shows you little be little. He does this for me all the time. He shows me a "priority" that I have & how it's just not that important by taking it away a piece at a time.
If you're not a hunter & won't be sitting in the woods freezing tomorrow morning, maybe wake up before dawn. Take time to watch the light overtake the dark. Spend time with God in prayer during those early minutes. Ask Him to show you the things that might be hidden in the dark.

This is what I'll be thinking of when I am freezing in the stand.

Crazy Chickens

The Girls

"I'm running around like a crazy chicken." This is a phrase that escapes my mouth at least a half a dozen times a week. I don't know why I say this. I often feel like I am squawking at my kids to "do this" or "stop doing that" throughout the day. I peck at something over here then I peck around at a little bit of this & that. Nothing gets the full attention it deserves.

In my quest to make things more simple, I've added on to my brood. My dearest Hubby has given me a chicken coop that I have asked for the past couple of years. By God's grace, some one was giving away their chickens. I convinced Hubby that some of them wanted to live with us.

 I'd like to introduce you to The Girls.

Ginger the Easter Egger

Camilla the Amerucana

Bunty the Silver-laced Wyandotte

Babs the Rhode Island Red

 Now I spend parts of my day watching the chickens antics. The Boyo & I search the garden & yard for unsuspecting grasshoppers & feed them to the Girls. The Girly does not want to touch the chickens but enjoys feeding them grass & looking for eggs.

Why would I add to my "Things to Do" list? I really can't answer that. I really just love chickens.

I am trying to teach Boyo how to take care of the chickens. The only problem is he forgets that they can exit an open door at their will. I am constantly telling him to "Close the door!!"

As I watch them scratch & peck in their yard, I realize that no human has taught then how to eat & what to eat. They just know what to do. Nobody teaches a chicken how to be a chicken.

In stark contrast, children must be taught how to become adults someday. They must be shown & told how to do laundry, wash dishes, clean their rooms, scrub the floors or mow the grass. This is where I am now.

I am trying to teach the kids how to do things in life that will let them be independent adults. The thing that gets in my way is time. I'm running out of it. I didn't teach the kids enough when they were little, & now it's hard to get over old habits.

I am a type B personality. I don't like schedules. I find them restricting. If I'm not "on schedule", it ruins my day. I also get really sidetracked.

I've been trying to get in a routine lately. At least in the morning.

The other day I tried to have a routine. Sometime during the day I took the kids & the dog outside. It was a nice day. Some point while we were fascinated with the chickens, I realized I hadn't seen the dog, JoJo. I called for her, & she came slinking up the hill. This is how she walks when she knows she's been misbehaving. Then I see why she thought she was in trouble. JoJo rubbed her neck, chest & shoulders in what I assumed to be either cat or wild animal poo. This is not a new event.

JoJo hates the tub.

Since it was too cold to hose her down in the yard, I took her to the tub. This was NOT part of my plan. I had absolutely no intention of scrubbing my dog or tub that day. I could have found so many more things that I wanted to do that day. The truth was my tub did need a scrubbing before the dog needed in.

God knew that I needed to clean the bathtub. I knew it needed to be done, I just didn't want to do it. God knows whats best for us. Just like a parent who knows that it is best to teach the children how to be independent someday.

I will try to live with more intent on loving my children & husband. I will still find time to watch my chickens & not be a crazy chicken.

Swimming Lessons

This is my dad trying to help Boyo swim when we went on vacation.

My life has slowed down & has fallen into what looks like a routine. School started last week, & I am getting the kids & myself into a groove. My beautiful Girly wasn't happy at all with our decision to keep her home this year. The first time she saw the buses dropping off the kids, she got angry at me. I tried to explain that things were different this year, & that she's not a little girl anymore. She dang near broke my heart with her big tears & unkind words. I was second guessing myself, & we hadn't even started school.

The Boyo & his friend do the summer reading program at Barnes & Noble each year. They get to pick out a book for completing an 8 book list. We go to B&N on the first day of school & throw in something else educational, such as a trip to a grocery store to do a scavenger hunt & some "Grocery Cart" math.

This year I took Girly even though she didn't participate in the reading program. I told her she could pick a book for her & I to read for school. I give her the pre-warning, "We are going to get a book, no toys."

As we are pulling into the parking lot, I give her the reminder, "Book, NO TOYS." She repeats me, thus acknowledging my order. We walk in the store. She beelines right over the children's section & picks up a toy.

"What did Mommy tell you?" She starts searching for a good answer. She apperantly couldn't find a good one, so she started to scream. "My Tasha!!!!" You see, it was a Backyardigan toy. For those of you who don't know them, visit Nick, Jr.

I commence the chase-down & lose. She's hiding it behind her back while sitting on a chair. We play the "Give-me-back-the toy" game. Why is it called that? Well, I take it, & she screams that phrase & grabs the toy. I say the phrase back to her while trying to pry the toy away from her steely vise-grip. This volley will happen about 4-5 times until I give in or carry her out screaming.

I chose to carry her out this time with screaming. Girly isn't a feather weight anymore. I get her outside while my friend & the boys continue to shop & pay. I start getting looks from curious spectators. It's hard not to look when a distraught little girl is screaming at the top of her lungs, "HELP ME!!!! Somebody help me. Let go of me. Get me out of here. Stop touching me." I would look if it wasn't me that was in the middle of the scene.

Right about that point I feel like I'm drowning. I can't catch my breath. My vision starts to get a little blurry. My heart starts to race. I get hot & sweaty. I feel completely out of control, & everybody is looking at me. Nobody is helping me. Every now & again someone will ask if everything is all right. I quickly respond, "She's just upset. She's autistic & mad. This happens when she doesn't get  her way. Thank you for asking." It's hard to sound calm & collective when you're drowning.

I've had people ask me if she was my daughter, was I kidnapping her, did I know that there is help for kids like her or did I need to make a phone call. (Sidenote: I can't really make a phone call at that time, I'm usually on the floor wrestling with Girly at that point. Nice offer, though.)

As I stood outside B&N that day, I thought about being in the middle of the ocean & drowning. There was no one to help me or to call out to. It felt like I was all alone bobbing in the waves flailing my arms & gasping for breath. I was tired.

That night I thought about what had happened how I could have done things different. I could have given her the toy & avoided the whole episode. But I would have gave into the pattern of getting a toy every time we go to a store, which we are trying to stop.

Then it hit me like a 20 foot wave......learning to swimming isn't easy. You swallow some water & it goes up your nose into your sinuses & burns. Your muscles get tired. I remembered watching my Boyo struggle so hard while trying to learn to swim this summer.

He's panicked, screaming for help & thrashing around the water. "Help me, Mom!!!" he screams. "You can do it. Look I'm not holding on anymore. You're doing it all by yourself." I'm reassuring his efforts. I grab on to him when I see that he's had enough & take him to the side. "Thanks, Mom, for saving my life. I was drowning." he says with his little chest heaving & gasping for air. "I love you, Boyo. I would never let you drown."

Why put him through so much struggle? He actually thought he was drowning? Did he think I was going to let him sink to the bottom & let his lungs fill with water? I was within arms-reach. I could have saved him at any second. I used to be a lifeguard. I know how to save drowning people.

After I though about that for a while, I felt God speak to my heart. It was if He was telling me, "Deb, you weren't drowning. I was there, within arms-reach to save you before you sank. I was there when you cried out to me to save you. You just needed to learn to swim. Like any good parent, I must let you struggle for awhile so you can learn to swim on your own. I love you & would never let you drown."

Even though I had a rough time with Girly that day, I am thankful that she's my daughter. I wouldn't trade her in for any "normal, typical" girl just to avoid those "swimming lessons" that God gives me. They are tough lessons, but they are worth it knowing He's ready to save me at any moment.

August is exhausting

The second batch of beans.

I find August to be completely exhausting! For some reason, God decided to have almost everything that needs to be canned to ripen in August. It is the hottest month of the year in our area, & I have to the canner going at full heat. One day it's corn to pick, shuck, blanch, cut, bag & freeze. The next day it's green beans to pick, snap, wash, pack in jars, can & put up. Next it's peaches, grapes & early apples.

This is the busiest time of year for our house. Girly's birthday is this month. Hubby's sister's birthday is the day before. I am generally canning tomatoes on the morning of Girly's birthday & then trying to clean up all the mess before the party guests come. I try to make a really cool cake for my kiddos' birthdays. They really don't ask for an extravagant party with tons of children, so I figure I can spend 2 to 3 days building a cake. I lucked out this year. Girly only wants a cheesecake assortment from Sam's Club this year. She's a girl after my own heart.

In case you are wondering about my vacation, it went well & fast. There was only 1 major accident on the trip. My Boyo was throwing rocks up the hill, after I told him to stop or get hurt. He disregarded my opinion on the effects of gravity & got his finger smash. Other than that, it was a busy, fun time. I came back to sorting some clothes & items from my neighbor's friend's yard sale. I was completely drained that night.

The next day I started to get the dirty clothes that we amassed camping washed when a friend called & asked if I wanted to do beans. "Ummm....yeah. I'll be over in a little bit." I tried to get the children to help pick the beans with me. The girl had more fun picking fox tails, & I ended up re-picking the boy's row. 3 hours later, we got home to start snapping the beans & eating a late lunch. Sometime between 3pm. & the time Hubby came home from work, the kids were sent to their rooms for fighting & screaming.

At this point I find myself sitting at the kitchen table snapping approximately 40lbs. of beans with only 4 or 5lbs. done. This is the point where I lost control. I start completely sobbing & blubbering. I was tired. I was hopeless. I was in pain. I was defeated.

"In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears." - Psalm 18:6

"Hear my prayer, LORD, listen to my cry for help; do not be deaf to my weeping." - Psalm 39-12a

These words were spoken by David when he was being pursued by his enemy, King Saul his father-in-law. I know my situation was completely different. No one wanted to kill me or hurt me. The green beans weren't attacking me because they didn't want to be broken in stuffed into jars. I just reached my limit. I was done. I stopped what I was doing & asked God to help me. I asked him to give me strength to get through this next couple of moments. That's all I needed, the next few minutes.

You see, God doesn't promise us an easy road. What He does promise is His strength, if you ask.
"..so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light." - Colossians 1:10-12

 My Hubby came home from work after a while & took the children down to the local food joint for supper. They came back full & happy & ready to help their distressed Mama. They worked hard for 2 hours snapping beans. After they went to bed, Hubby continued to help me with the canner & keeping me awake until the last load was sealed.

I was fatigued. I didn't have a single ounce of energy left to use. God gave me a great husband & wonderful children to help in my time despair. I woke up the next morning still tired & sore. But the good news was that I was ready to slug down a cup of coffee & take the kids to the park.

A Vacation?

The food box ready to go in the Jeep.

The stuff I already put in the Jeep.

I'm getting ready to go on a vacation. The kids & I are going camping with my parents & nephew for a couple of days. Hubby is staying home due to his work schedule. This is the first time in 15 years that I am leaving for more than a day & he is staying home.

I've spent the last couple of days trying to get the house in some-what order. I had extra laundry to do because a friend blessed us with a 30 gal. trash bag full of clothes for the Boy. There are enough clothes for this year & next. On top of that, another friend graciously gave us at least 8 dozen ears of corn, enough cucumbers to make 9 pints of sweet pickle relish & some zucchinis. Thankfully the kids & Hubby pitched in to help.

Hubby got me the grinder attachment for Christmas;

 it was extremely handy!

"I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me." - Psalm 13:6

I been packing clothes, towels, food, toys, toiletries, first-aid kit, my Bible & camera for capturing great memories. I made a list last week of all the things I would need to pack. I'm really not sure what happened to that list. I hope I remember all of the last minute things like toothbrushes, deodorant & all of the cold food.

I have been trying to be sensitive to Hubby in all of this chaos. He looks so sullen sometimes when I am running around in a mad fury looking for the sunblock. I ask what he plans on doing while we are away.
"I'll probably eat then go to bed." I made spaghetti last night for supper. I know he will eat this for the next couple of days, though I'm not sure if he'll just eat it cold or warm it up. I've left him instructions on the marker board as when to feed the dog (I doubt if she eats while I'm gone), to water my flowers on the porch, dump the dehumidifier in the basement & to have a good time.

The 1 thing that I am glad of is the ability to unplug. My dad's new camper does have a TV with a dvd player, but that's in case of emergencies, rain. I want my children to be able to experience camping like did when I was younger, so many years ago. Just carefree fun outside.

I want to slow down the pace of my life. I don't liked be rushed around & hurried from place to place. My Hubby says I have 3 gears - stop, reverse & slow. I'll bustle around IF I have to. I'm looking forward to a couple of days that will slow my world down.

"Nature goes forward in her never-ending course, and cares nothing for the race of man that is ever passing before her....When man turns to reflection and resigns himself to the inevitable...then the eternal, unchangeable order of Nature has a comforting and peaceful influence. - Wilhelm Von Humbolt

I hope to come back from vacation refreshed & ready to hit the road...ummm....walking.

Summer Doldrums

I taped this to the front of our TV.

"M-ahhhh-mmmmm" whines the Boy, "I'm bored! Can I do something?"

"Like what?" I ask my sweet boy who is quickly turning into a young man.

 "I don't know, but there's gotta be something I can do."

"Well, you can pull weeds in the garden, clean your room, read some books for the summer reading program, color, paint, jump on the trampoline or take a nap." These are all productive ideas in my mind.

"No, thank you. I mean something fun. You know, like exploding rockets or watch TV." he says with a smile.

"Ummmm, we're not watching TV today. Didn't you read the sign on the TV?" I ask him, with a smile.

"Yeah, but I thought that we should take the sign down for a bit & watch something." he says with desperation starting to eek out in his voice. "We didn't get to watch TV until Dad came home yesterday."

"I know, it's alright to not watch the TV. We don't have to watch it just because it's there. There are plenty of other things to do. I can list stuff all day long that you can do." I can sense his dissatisfaction building up with each word that I speak because they have nothing to do with turning the TV on.

"I just don't understand!" the Boy yells in frustration. "Why can't we just watch the TV?"

"There are more & better things in life than watching that thing. There is a whole world to explore. You're not going to find everything you need for life in that box." I think that this is a great answer, than again, I'm not as desperate as the Boy.

"I learn lots of things from the TV, like nature & stuff." He's trying to make a valid point.

"Did you know that there is nature right outside that door? You can go discover something new." I try to persuade him.

"I already know what's outside. I need to learn about OTHER nature stuff. You know, like the Discovery Channel shows." he states.

"I think that you are addicted to the TV. Now go play with your race cars & tracks or go to bed for the rest of the day." I throw out my typical ultimatum.

This is an ongoing battle in our house. The TV. It beckons the children to turn it on & turn their brains off. My kids love that thing. They would watch it from the moment they opened their peepers to the second they close if you let them. I could live without it. Sure it's nice to be able to see what's on the other side of the world that we don't get to see. I enjoy watching nature shows, documentaries & history shows. I like to use it to play the Wii. That is where my love affair with the TV stops.

“Of what value is an idol carved by a craftsman? Or an image that teaches lies? For the one who makes it trusts in his own creation;" - Habakkuk 2:18

Is the TV an idol? It was crafted my man. Does it teach lies? Most of the time. Do we trust the things that are shown on it? Hmmmmm...

Now I'm not saying that the TV is pure evil. I enjoy the time I spend plopped down in front of it. The problem becomes when I spend too much time in front of it. My problem becomes when I watch TV & not wash the dishes after supper. My other problem is when I watch shows that cause me to be jealous of other peoples homes & lives. My biggest problem is when I put the fantasy box before my family's wants & needs. Ouch. 

God put the biggest nature channel right outside our windows & doors. Sometimes the simplest things bring the most joy; like when a boy finds out what happens when you take a magnifying glass outside when it's a bright sunny day! Or when a butterfly flits around the flowers. There is plenty of entertainment to be found out yonder.

What's Your Objective?

Time to get your objectives ready

If the school district superintendent came to your house & asked you to write down what you wanted you child/children to learn for the year, what would say?

Suppose it goes something like this:

"I would like for you to make a list of objectives you wish your child to accomplish for the school term." says the Super.

"Objectives?" you ask. "What are objectives?"

"They are goals for your child to accomplish throughout the school term. You'll need to list them by subject & be specific with your wording. They also must be grade appropriate, not according to your child's level. Oh, you have 30 days to do this. Oh, and you need to have your high school diploma copied. Um, did I mention you need to sign & fill out an affidavit. Yeah, I should mention that it needs notarized. By the way, you need to attach a a copy of your child's immunizations. After you get all that done, I'll review it & let you know if it is acceptable." says the Super.

This is what homeschoolers face every year this time. They just get finished handing in their portfolios to end the current school term, & then they have to start thinking about the next school year.

What is important to you for your child to learn? Math? Language Arts? Science? Art? What about character? Balancing their own checking account? Eventually be in charge of their own education?

"But these are children! They can't be in charge of their own education. They would pick Texting as an elective. Or worse yet, as an  English course."

The objective of most homeschoolers is to have their children be responsible for their education & ultimately the direction of their lives. This doesn't mean that the supervisor of the home education program, most times it is the mom, is getting lazy or simply doesn't care. It just means that at some point the child must leave the protection & guidance of the household & make choices about the future. Why not let them have control of decisions where if they make a mistake, it can be corrected or steered in a more profitable direction?

So, I ask you, "What is your objective for your brood?" Take a minute & really think about it. Go ahead, I'll wait. (I would play some music at this point, but I am not that smart.)

How many did you come up with?

Now think about what God's objective is for your charge? Is it to be the most successful? Is it to develop a special talent that may make the population of the opposite gender swoon over them? Does He want them to be voted Most Popular in the yearbook?


"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.  And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.  You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.  You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."  Deuteronomy 6:5-9


 "Receive my instruction, and not silver; and knowledge rather than choice gold. For wisdom is better than rubies; and all the things that may be desired are not to be compared to it."  Proverbs 8:10,11


"For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; So you will walk in the way of the good and keep to the paths of the righteous."  Proverbs 2:6,20

Now, are your goals & God's the same?

So, would you rather your child ramble off the entire Periodic Table of Elements by grade 4 or have a godly character that people know him/her by?

I found a book that is helpful in aligning your goals & God's goals for your home education program. It's called The Heart of Wisdom Teaching Approach: Bible-Based Homeschooling  by Robin Sampson. It's a good start & a great reference book. You can find out more about this teaching method at http://www.heartofwisdom.com.

Zucchini Brownies

What was left of the Zucchini Brownies after supper

This weekend I bought (gasp!) some zucchinis. I did not plant any in the garden this year. I just completely forgot when I was planning it this year.

I love zucchini. Grilled. Deep fried. Stir fried. Baked in cakes, breads, muffins & pancakes. My kids on the other hand do not love zucchini. If they can see it, forget it. My friend put a zucchini recipe in a cookbook that their church made a few years ago. My kids LOVE it.

Zucchini Brownies. Who knew that zucchini could taste like chocolate? I thought that I would share the recipe with you in what is now Zucchini Season. If you don't have any in your garden, you can ask around. Chances are that some one has a surplus of the green veggies lying around.

Zucchini Brownies

1 1/2 c. sugar

1 egg

1/3 c. cocoa

1/2 c. vegetable oil

1 1/2 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. salt

2 tsp. vanilla

2 c. zucchini, grated

2 c. flour

Combine all of the ingredients by hand. The mixture will be dry & crumbly at first. Then it will turn into a thick batter. Put it into a greased 9x13 greased baking dish. Bake at 350 deg. F for 25-30 minutes.

Try them out this week. Let me know how they were perceived at your house. I hope that you enjoy them.

The Big Scary Witch

The new me.

I tell Girly to get in the shower, for the second time. "No, I'm not!" She screams this from the other room at me. "Yes, you are. Right now. Get up the steps & into the bathroom." This does not go over well with her. She lets me know this by her shrill screams.

I find her getting undressed in the bathroom with tears streaming down her face. "Why?", she wants to know. "Because you need to get clean. Besides, I don't remember the last time you got a shower."

Yes, I know. Please don't judge me.

I look at her hair. It's all matted & tangled. "We'll need to brush your hair before we can wash it." I grab the bottle of detangler & start spraying. She loudly objects to this. "I'm sorry, but your hair is a mess." After I use half the bottle, I start combing. "No!" The tears are rolling down her checks & dropping on the floor. "Stop it!"

"I'm sorry, Sweety. Hold still & it will be done sooner." She continues to cry & scream. At this point Hubby comes upstairs to see what the commotion is all about. "Girly's hair is a mess. She hasn't brushed it in 2 or 3 days."

I get it all brushed out in 15 minutes. I turn on the shower, & she gets in. "Get your hair wet. Make sure you get the top of your head all wet." I go downstairs to explain to Hubby that I am getting tired of washing & brushing Girly's hair. He is sympathetic & says that he could brush her hair in the evenings. "That's nice, but it needs brushed & fixed in the morning."

I go back upstairs to check on Girly's progress. I open the curtain & she loudly exclaims, "You're big scary witch!" "That is NOT nice." She cries some more. I get the shampoo & start scrubbing her semi-wet hair. "You're big scary witch!", she yells at me while looking into my dumbfounded eyes.

 My heart sinks, & I proceed to explain to her that her words hurt Mommy, & now she must go to bed without popcorn. This proclamation was met with despair & protest from her. I continue to wash her hair & tell her to rinse. I help her to rinse & put the conditioner in & help her rinse that, too. She starts to clean with the washcloth & soap.

I go back downstairs & ask my Hubby, "How much longer do I have to wash her hair? She's almost 11. I shouldn't have to keep doing this." "Soon, Dear, she'll do it by herself," he reassures me. "She won't do it by herself. I have to help her or it won't get done. She won't even get a shower without me telling her."

 Now I'm just complaining. "Do everything without grumbling or arguing," Philippians 2:14

You see, autism is weird. It doesn't care if it didn't get a shower, change it's clothes, brush it's hair, wash it's face, wear deodorant, match it's clothes or brush it's teeth. These are all things that most normal people care about. Picture Albert Einstein. He wasn't making a fashion statement with his hair. He had autistic tendencies.

I am reminded of what Jesus told his disciples. “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’" Matthew 25:40

Now, I'm not saying that my daughter is any less of a person because she has autism. She just has less skills & certain abilities that others. 

I go back upstairs & into her room to see if she's dressed. She's wearing long-sleeve flannel pajamas. "You need to brush your hair." "Okay, Mama." I hand her the brush & watch. She does about half of it & puts the brush away. "Babe, you didn't finish. Can I help you?"