Swimming Lessons

This is my dad trying to help Boyo swim when we went on vacation.

My life has slowed down & has fallen into what looks like a routine. School started last week, & I am getting the kids & myself into a groove. My beautiful Girly wasn't happy at all with our decision to keep her home this year. The first time she saw the buses dropping off the kids, she got angry at me. I tried to explain that things were different this year, & that she's not a little girl anymore. She dang near broke my heart with her big tears & unkind words. I was second guessing myself, & we hadn't even started school.

The Boyo & his friend do the summer reading program at Barnes & Noble each year. They get to pick out a book for completing an 8 book list. We go to B&N on the first day of school & throw in something else educational, such as a trip to a grocery store to do a scavenger hunt & some "Grocery Cart" math.

This year I took Girly even though she didn't participate in the reading program. I told her she could pick a book for her & I to read for school. I give her the pre-warning, "We are going to get a book, no toys."

As we are pulling into the parking lot, I give her the reminder, "Book, NO TOYS." She repeats me, thus acknowledging my order. We walk in the store. She beelines right over the children's section & picks up a toy.

"What did Mommy tell you?" She starts searching for a good answer. She apperantly couldn't find a good one, so she started to scream. "My Tasha!!!!" You see, it was a Backyardigan toy. For those of you who don't know them, visit Nick, Jr.

I commence the chase-down & lose. She's hiding it behind her back while sitting on a chair. We play the "Give-me-back-the toy" game. Why is it called that? Well, I take it, & she screams that phrase & grabs the toy. I say the phrase back to her while trying to pry the toy away from her steely vise-grip. This volley will happen about 4-5 times until I give in or carry her out screaming.

I chose to carry her out this time with screaming. Girly isn't a feather weight anymore. I get her outside while my friend & the boys continue to shop & pay. I start getting looks from curious spectators. It's hard not to look when a distraught little girl is screaming at the top of her lungs, "HELP ME!!!! Somebody help me. Let go of me. Get me out of here. Stop touching me." I would look if it wasn't me that was in the middle of the scene.

Right about that point I feel like I'm drowning. I can't catch my breath. My vision starts to get a little blurry. My heart starts to race. I get hot & sweaty. I feel completely out of control, & everybody is looking at me. Nobody is helping me. Every now & again someone will ask if everything is all right. I quickly respond, "She's just upset. She's autistic & mad. This happens when she doesn't get  her way. Thank you for asking." It's hard to sound calm & collective when you're drowning.

I've had people ask me if she was my daughter, was I kidnapping her, did I know that there is help for kids like her or did I need to make a phone call. (Sidenote: I can't really make a phone call at that time, I'm usually on the floor wrestling with Girly at that point. Nice offer, though.)

As I stood outside B&N that day, I thought about being in the middle of the ocean & drowning. There was no one to help me or to call out to. It felt like I was all alone bobbing in the waves flailing my arms & gasping for breath. I was tired.

That night I thought about what had happened how I could have done things different. I could have given her the toy & avoided the whole episode. But I would have gave into the pattern of getting a toy every time we go to a store, which we are trying to stop.

Then it hit me like a 20 foot wave......learning to swimming isn't easy. You swallow some water & it goes up your nose into your sinuses & burns. Your muscles get tired. I remembered watching my Boyo struggle so hard while trying to learn to swim this summer.

He's panicked, screaming for help & thrashing around the water. "Help me, Mom!!!" he screams. "You can do it. Look I'm not holding on anymore. You're doing it all by yourself." I'm reassuring his efforts. I grab on to him when I see that he's had enough & take him to the side. "Thanks, Mom, for saving my life. I was drowning." he says with his little chest heaving & gasping for air. "I love you, Boyo. I would never let you drown."

Why put him through so much struggle? He actually thought he was drowning? Did he think I was going to let him sink to the bottom & let his lungs fill with water? I was within arms-reach. I could have saved him at any second. I used to be a lifeguard. I know how to save drowning people.

After I though about that for a while, I felt God speak to my heart. It was if He was telling me, "Deb, you weren't drowning. I was there, within arms-reach to save you before you sank. I was there when you cried out to me to save you. You just needed to learn to swim. Like any good parent, I must let you struggle for awhile so you can learn to swim on your own. I love you & would never let you drown."

Even though I had a rough time with Girly that day, I am thankful that she's my daughter. I wouldn't trade her in for any "normal, typical" girl just to avoid those "swimming lessons" that God gives me. They are tough lessons, but they are worth it knowing He's ready to save me at any moment.